I think Memorial Day is a good time to post this.

I know this isn't my usual style. Stick with me here; it'll be worth the read. And yes, it's about World of Warcraft, even if it doesn't sound like it at first.

I was reading a news story a while ago about a high school age girl whose twin sister had died from a serious illness. The thing is, the illness was genetic, which means that the girl knows she will almost certainly die as well in the next year or two. And because the illness is so incredibly rare, doctors have no idea how to help her.

It was a heartbreaking story, but that's not why I'm sharing it.

I'm sharing it because it got me thinking about mortality - something that, as you can imagine, I've pondered quite a bit in my years.

You see, this girl isn't curled up on her bedroom floor crying all day. She's going to prom. She's hanging out with her friends. She's committed to making the most of her life, even though there isn't a lot left.

I think most of the people reading this (not all, but most) have things pretty good by comparison. You or your family can afford Internet access and a WoW subscription. You're playing video games. You're reading blogs. You're doing all right. And maybe you don't think much about how you use your time, because there's just so much of it.

But it matters.

Death twitches my ear. "Live," he says, "I am coming." Virgil wrote those lines over two thousand years ago, and he's spent most of the intervening time being pretty dead himself. You see, he knew how the game of life works; he knew that there's no rulebook, just an hourglass. That's why he spent his life writing some of the most extraordinary poetry the world has ever seen. That's why we're still talking about him now, in fact, two thousand years after his expiration date.

I know, I know, you've heard this before. It's the usual bullshit, right? Inspiring figure does something courageous, plea to make the most out of life, cue the sappy music and pass the collection plate.

It's a stereotype. It's a cliche. It's stupid.

It's the most important thing in the universe.

I'm not saying you shouldn't screw around, shouldn't have fun, shouldn't laugh. Of course you should. That's why I write this blog; that's why I play video games.

What I'm saying, and what I want desperately for you to understand, is that it's possible to pass through life just sort of...twiddling your thumbs, without doing much of anything. To play games, not because you enjoy them, but because you have nothing else worth doing. To surf the Web, not because you're getting something out of it, but just to pass the time. To let the minutes slip through your fingers until they accumulate into hours, and weeks, and years, until finally you have no more minutes left and you look back and find you haven't done much of anything at all.

In the immortal words of xkcd: FUCK. THAT. SHIT.

I know how easy it is to waste time that way, because I've done it too. I still do it sometimes, more often than I'd like. But your time on this planet is a limited resource, and it is too precious to squander. Most of you reading this are lucky - you still have a lot of time left. But it's finite.

How is this related to World of Warcraft? You can probably guess. Because, as we all know, there are two ways to play.

The first way is to do what you love in the game. Play the character you enjoy, run the content that's fun for you. This doesn't necessarily mean casual play. If you genuinely love high-end raiding or hardcore PVP, if being in the best guild in the world is really what gets you up in the morning, then go with it. Do whatever makes you happy.

But there's another way to play. Going through the motions. Grinding for endless hours to get the next item because you're "supposed" to. Beating bosses you've already beaten a hundred times for yet another chance at that item drop that will allow you to go to the next boss and do it all over again - lather, rinse, repeat. Spending two months saving up the gold for something that makes you say "huh, that's cool" for two minutes.

If you play a game because you love it - because it helps you relax after a stressful day - because it lets you connect with people who are not just guildmates but truly your friends - that's great. I'm all for it.

But if you're bartering away hours and days and weeks of your life in exchange for a better arrangement of pixels on your monitor?

Stop.

Please.

Stop.

All right. I'm done. I'm getting off my soapbox. Next time I post, it'll be back to the funny stuff. I promise.

All I ask is that every once in a while, you check your /play time, and ask yourself: "Am I getting a good return on this investment?"

If the answer is yes, then keep at it.

But if the answer is no, do something else.

Carpe fucking diem.

Sargeras vs. Airplane

Flying is pretty much the worst. Here is my process:

1. I call the airline the day before to warn them, so that people will not freak out when I arrive.

2. I spend two hours trying to fit everything I will need into a bag the size of my eyelash-tip. I finally give up and just pay the eight billion dollars to have it FedExed.

3. I arrive. People freak out.

4. The airlines all have names like that involve things I like to burn, like Continental and AirWorld. I am pretty sure they do this just to make me angry.

5. Like, 92% sure.

6. I cannot hold my boarding pass because my hands are on fire. I have to have a demon carry it for me. His seat costs extra.

7. I go through the metal detector forty-four times. I repeatedly explain that I am made out of metal and cannot possibly avoid being "detected."

8. My helper demon spends twenty minutes flipping through issues of People at the airport book store. I can't smite him because he's holding my boarding pass.

9. I wait. People stare at me and look away when I look at them. The teenage girl next to me has her headphones on. She is listening to Pink.

10. The plane is smaller than I am.

11. I board the plane. The man next to me says his name is Gilbert. I do not know if it is his first or last name but he smells of raccoon.

12. The in-flight movie is that Wolverine origin one. I keep a running tally of things that are ridiculous. When they graft adamantium to his skeleton by injecting it as a liquid, I count that as two things.

13. The stewardess asks if I would like some pretzels. I say no but they bring them anyway. I am unable to open the bag. I give the pretzels to my helper demon.

14. We land. I smite my helper demon.

15. It is so bad.

LOBSMAARP: 8% (hey, I'm doing good this week!)

Voldemort is a pussy

A lot of people hate on the Harry Potter books, but I thought they were all right. A little simplistic ethics-wise, a little overcomplicated plot-wise, a little slow in places. But overall? Good, solid, page-turning reads.

Just one problem. Voldemort.

Look, I consider myself something of a connoisseur when it comes to villainy, so I have to ask - are we even supposed to take this guy seriously?

Let me break it down for you.



The whole thing starts when Big V tries a killing curse on little Harry, only to have it bounce back from Mrs. Potter's love and self-sacrifice. I'll say that again. His power was deflected due to love. Do you realize how ridiculous that is? Let me put this another way. Which of these two sentences is more likely to come out of Baron Harkonnen's mouth?

1. "Oh snap! I can't conquer the galaxy because Paul's mother cares about him!"
2. "Oh snap! I can't conquer the galaxy because I got stabbed in the neck with a poison needle in the middle of an invasion by mile-long sandworms!"

If you guessed the second one, congratulations. Frank Herbert hearts you too.

Moving on. Voldemort can't win against a baby, so it's no surprise when he fails even more spectacularly against a prepubescent boy. Yes, Mr. Riddle, your triumph over Ron's little sister is indeed glorious, but if you can't rise to the challenge of her twelve-year-old champion, it's time to throw in the towel.

Again, some perspective. Remember that part in Empire Strikes Back where Luke thinks he's winning against Vader but Vader's really just playing with him? Okay, imagine Luke actually won in that scene. Now imagine Luke had yet to discover testosterone, and see how credible your Sith Lord is.

Speaking of Empire Strikes Back. Ever notice that anytime there's a credible villain, he usually gets some recognition in the titles? Three of the six Star Wars subtitles refer to the bad guys. The Lord of the Rings is named entirely after its villain. The Wrath of Khan isn't called Kirk Whines a Lot, and Wrath of the Lich King sure as hell isn't called A Bunch of Noobs Running Around Getting Their Asses Handed To Them. Why, then, out of seven Harry Potter titles, does not even one so much as mention He-Who-Isn't-Cool-Enough-To-Be-Named?

And finally...the wands. Voldemort spends his last two thousand pages or so in a tizzy because his wand just isn't as boss as Harry's. First of all, this sounds like a personal problem - but put that aside for a moment, and do some logic with me. If your Wizard Wand isn't as powerful as another Wizard Wand, do you spend half the series running around trying to find a better Wizard Wand? No, because you're too busy using your nigh-omnipotent powers to drop a thirty-ton boulder on his head. I don't have to worry about wand-oneupmanship, and do you know why? That's right, kids. Because my fists are the size of blue whales, and they're made out of metal that is on fire.

Thanks for playing, Tom. Better luck next time.